Responsibility

Anxiety will not prevent bad things from happening or make you any more prepared for disaster. It has given me heightened senses and makes me a more sensitive and intuitive person. However, anxiety also makes me visualize every scenario, as if every action and reaction is somehow connected in a web-like diagram in my mind. That diagram holds every bad decision and wrongdoing I've ever done, weaves resolutions of karma and consequence, justifying all the worst case scenarios I can consider. It lives in my subconscious and unravels itself at the perfect moments, convincing me that something is wrong or that eventually something will be wrong, and that there is a reason to be alarmed.

In the thirty years of my life with anxiety, the perpetuating cycle of suffering has become so normal that it's just another emotion I experience on a daily basis. There are times I've caught myself experiencing pure joy--which is quite often, despite the stereotypes--and then I feel guilty for letting go. As if fear is a responsibility to the rest of the world, and that my foresight might save myself or someone else.

I'm still learning how to trust my own mind and distinguish intuitive thoughts versus paranoid rationalizations. I often use humor to laugh at my own perception. I vocalize it to others, and I've cracked so many jokes on myself I could start my own comedy routine. Humor pairs with anxiety and depression like cheap coffee and sugar...hard to swallow without the additives.

Imagination

I am so excited to finalize the grand opening of Palmesque! I’ve spent a lot of time debating whether or not to add a blog to this site. As an introvert with anxiety, it’s not easy for me to open up to a crowd of strangers. I’m half expecting many of you to leave me hateful messages on social media and tell me that my art is ugly. It has taken me a long time to fully realize why I founded Palmesque in the first place. Allow me to give you the short version: I have an overactive imagination. Drawing pretty pictures stops the bad thoughts. I have a lot of bad thoughts. An overwhelming amount. It’s paralyzed me at times. I’m afraid of everything. Failure. Death. Cancer. Rejection. I can spin up a worst-case scenario faster than you can blink.

It was in my late 20s that I realized life can be a vacation, if you decide to treat it like one. Living with anxiety doesn't exactly put me in a position to live in a relaxed head space. Thus, Palmesque was born! I force myself to think about vacation as often as I can, and it makes me a better person.